Teenage as a Second Language by Barbara R Greenberg

Author:Barbara R Greenberg
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: epub, ebook
Publisher: Adams Media
Published: 2010-03-05T16:00:00+00:00

CHAPTER 5

Lies and Secrets: Who Is Keeping Whom in the Dark?

A family environment that is characterized by parents who are seen as supportive, available, respectful of feelings, tolerant of mistakes, and capable of forgiveness is likely to lead to the most sincere and honest communication with teens. Study after study bears this out and we would like this to become the style of your family and the climate of your home. A 2006 study published in the Journal of Youth and Adolescence found, for example, that kids who lie more often have less trusting relationships with their parents.

Some little white lies may be necessary for everyone. It is, however, the pattern of consistent lying about stressors that we are most concerned about. Interestingly and probably not surprisingly, whether or not your teenagers talk to you is based on whether or not they see you as trustworthy. Parents’ ratings of their own trustworthiness are often strikingly different from the ratings of parental trustworthiness by their children. Teenagers view trustworthiness as the ability of their parent to be honest, to look out for their best interests, to keep promises, and to keep what teens have said confidential. So clearly, after your teens open up to you, do not get on the phone and let your teens overhear you divulging what they have just shared; this is a mistake that many parents make. These parents are probably simply trying to get their friends’ opinions about their teenagers, but if you lie to your teenagers and break a promise about keeping their secrets, you will create teenagers who not only don’t trust you, but who also will put a lot of energy into not talking to you.

As you read this chapter bear in mind that we have learned from teens themselves that secrecy, lack of disclosure, and lying may lead to loneliness and even lack of parental involvement. What appears to happen is that the more your teens lie the less you ask. You, like your teens, become avoidant and close the doors of communication even further. In this case, there is little or even no Teenage or adult language being used. In addition, teens who lie frequently report lower levels of self-esteem and higher levels of unhappiness and stress. As if that were not enough to convince you of the problems related to lying, teens who lie frequently tend to show more aggression, more impulsivity, and lower levels of self-control. So the takeaway message here is that lying is not healthy for any of us, particularly your teens. The question now becomes, if it’s so detrimental then why do they do it? And how can you talk to your teens about lying in general?

To Lie or Not to Lie That Is the Question

Children begin to lie early in life for a variety of reasons. Transgressions and getting into trouble are part of normal childhood behavior. As your kids develop into teenagers their lies are often of greater concern because you rely more on them for your knowledge of what they are doing outside of the home.

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